How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4?
Tell him you needit at 2
Why is a headline like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive andinaccurate
What's the difference between a features editor and an onion?
People cry when you cut an onion into pieces
What do you call an assistant managing editor with a beeper?
An optimist
How do you know when there's a circulation consultant at the door?
His hat says "Domino's".
What is a lady?
A columnist who could write about her children, but doesn't
What's the difference between a substitute reporter and a Dr Scholl's footpad?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet
If you threw a reporter and a photographer off a cliff at the same time, who would hit bottom first?
(Two answers.)
1. The photographer, because the reporter would get lost on the way
2. Who cares?
Did you hear about the music writer who was so crazy the restaurant reviewer noticed?
Monday, May 14, 2007
Good Mourning!!
A reporter calls the paper and asks for the slot man.
"I'm sorry, he died suddenly," the clerk tells him.
One minute later, the reporter calls and asks again.
"I told you, he's dead," the clerk repeats.
"I know," the reporter says. "I just like to hear you say it."
Take me now!!
A journalism professor and a police reporter with 35 years on the beat are in an elevator when they notice the Grim Reaper riding with them.
"You fell 22 floors and both were killed," the Grim Reaper tells them. "But I'll give you each one wish to remember your life on earth before I take you."
"Oh good!" says the professor. "I want to read my doctoral thesis out loud!"
And the reporter says, "Take me now."
"I'm sorry, he died suddenly," the clerk tells him.
One minute later, the reporter calls and asks again.
"I told you, he's dead," the clerk repeats.
"I know," the reporter says. "I just like to hear you say it."
Take me now!!
A journalism professor and a police reporter with 35 years on the beat are in an elevator when they notice the Grim Reaper riding with them.
"You fell 22 floors and both were killed," the Grim Reaper tells them. "But I'll give you each one wish to remember your life on earth before I take you."
"Oh good!" says the professor. "I want to read my doctoral thesis out loud!"
And the reporter says, "Take me now."
How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?
* How do you tell if a copy editor is dead?
The pizza is untouched.
* How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?
Hold out a doughnut. But don't be fooled; a small, residual clutching action may occur up to hours after death has occurred.
* What's the difference between a sportswriter and an Uzi?
The Uzi stops after 20 shots.
* How long does it take for a photographer to learn how to spell?
Nobody knows.
* What's the ideal weight for an infographics artist
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
* What do you call a page designer without a significant other?
Homeless.
* What's the difference between a libel lawyer and a gorilla?
It's been definitively proven that gorillas can communicate with humans
* Why is a movie critic like a eunnuch?
Because he knows exactly how it ought to be done.
* What's the difference between a pig and a newspaper promotion director?
There are some things even a pig won't do.
The pizza is untouched.
* How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?
Hold out a doughnut. But don't be fooled; a small, residual clutching action may occur up to hours after death has occurred.
* What's the difference between a sportswriter and an Uzi?
The Uzi stops after 20 shots.
* How long does it take for a photographer to learn how to spell?
Nobody knows.
* What's the ideal weight for an infographics artist
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
* What do you call a page designer without a significant other?
Homeless.
* What's the difference between a libel lawyer and a gorilla?
It's been definitively proven that gorillas can communicate with humans
* Why is a movie critic like a eunnuch?
Because he knows exactly how it ought to be done.
* What's the difference between a pig and a newspaper promotion director?
There are some things even a pig won't do.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
* "We just report the facts, we don't change them"
* Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
* "We just report the facts, we don't change them"
* Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
How journalists do it?
* Journalists do it on a tight timetable.
* Journalists do it on the front page.
* Journalists do it with special editions.
* Journalists do it with cameras and tape recorders.
* Journalists do it on the front page.
* Journalists do it with special editions.
* Journalists do it with cameras and tape recorders.
A cub reporter grapples with breasts!!
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment.
He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Editors are the same everywhere
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St Thomas with no money worries."
The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St Thomas.
The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."
The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn.
"And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St Thomas with no money worries."
The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St Thomas.
The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."
The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn.
"And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."
I keep hearing one thing and seeing another!!
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
Sunday, May 6, 2007
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss!!
If the world were to progress in the same way, these would be the possible headlines in the year 2050
* Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
* Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges
* 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
* Baby Conceived Naturally
* It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays
* Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
* Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
* Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
* Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.
* Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
* Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
* Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
* Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
* Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
* DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
* Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
* Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations
* Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
* Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges
* 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
* Baby Conceived Naturally
* It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays
* Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
* Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
* Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
* Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor. "This Is True Love," He Beams.
* Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
* Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
* Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
* Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
* Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
* DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
* Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
* Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations
Friday, May 4, 2007
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
* USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
* The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
* National Inquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
* Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
* Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
* Victoria Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
* Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
* Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
* Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
* Readers Digest: 'BYE
* Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
* TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
* Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
* America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
* The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
* National Inquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
* Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
* Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
* Victoria Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
* Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
* Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
* Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
* Readers Digest: 'BYE
* Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
* TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
* Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
* America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
A guide to US newspapers
* The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
* The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
* The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
* USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
* The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
* The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
* The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
* The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
* The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
* The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
* The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
* The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
* USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
* The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
* The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
* The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
* The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
* The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
* The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
Real headlines that appeared in newspapers
* Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops Off Shelf
* Teachers Strike Idle Kids
* Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
* Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
* Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops Off Shelf
* Teachers Strike Idle Kids
* Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
* Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
* Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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