How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4?

How do you get a columnist to file his column by 4?
Tell him you needit at 2

Why is a headline like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive andinaccurate

What's the difference between a features editor and an onion?
People cry when you cut an onion into pieces

What do you call an assistant managing editor with a beeper?
An optimist

How do you know when there's a circulation consultant at the door?
His hat says "Domino's".

What is a lady?
A columnist who could write about her children, but doesn't

What's the difference between a substitute reporter and a Dr Scholl's footpad?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet

If you threw a reporter and a photographer off a cliff at the same time, who would hit bottom first?
(Two answers.)
1. The photographer, because the reporter would get lost on the way
2. Who cares?

Did you hear about the music writer who was so crazy the restaurant reviewer noticed?

Good Mourning!!

A reporter calls the paper and asks for the slot man.
"I'm sorry, he died suddenly," the clerk tells him.
One minute later, the reporter calls and asks again.
"I told you, he's dead," the clerk repeats.
"I know," the reporter says. "I just like to hear you say it."


Take me now!!
A journalism professor and a police reporter with 35 years on the beat are in an elevator when they notice the Grim Reaper riding with them.
"You fell 22 floors and both were killed," the Grim Reaper tells them. "But I'll give you each one wish to remember your life on earth before I take you."
"Oh good!" says the professor. "I want to read my doctoral thesis out loud!"
And the reporter says, "Take me now."

How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?

* How do you tell if a copy editor is dead?
The pizza is untouched.

* How do you tell if a copy editor is really dead?
Hold out a doughnut. But don't be fooled; a small, residual clutching action may occur up to hours after death has occurred.

* What's the difference between a sportswriter and an Uzi?
The Uzi stops after 20 shots.

* How long does it take for a photographer to learn how to spell?
Nobody knows.

* What's the ideal weight for an infographics artist
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

* What do you call a page designer without a significant other?
Homeless.

* What's the difference between a libel lawyer and a gorilla?
It's been definitively proven that gorillas can communicate with humans

* Why is a movie critic like a eunnuch?
Because he knows exactly how it ought to be done.

* What's the difference between a pig and a newspaper promotion director?
There are some things even a pig won't do.

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

* "We just report the facts, we don't change them"

* Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but first he has to rewire the entire building.

How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

How journalists do it?

* Journalists do it on a tight timetable.

* Journalists do it on the front page.

* Journalists do it with special editions.

* Journalists do it with cameras and tape recorders.

A cub reporter grapples with breasts!!

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment.

He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "

Editors are the same everywhere

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.

Halfway up the beach, they stumble upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says, "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St Thomas with no money worries."

The genie grants him his wish and sends him on off to St Thomas.

The journalist goes next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."

The genie grants him his wish and sends him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn.

"And what would your wish be?" asks the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."